A PARENTHETICAL, DIGRESSION-FILLED TALE
I've worked really hard at maintaining a rather sizable list of nemeses over the years, and many of them are my enemies without even knowing it. (Funny story - my arch-nemesis and number one rival is actually Rachel Ray, and I don't even think I need to tell you why. However, if you want to know more, either e-mail me or ask in the comments. Maybe I'll divulge the story someday.)
However, one who knows for a fact he's on my pooplist is Bill O'Reilly. (Granted, the entire staff of Fox News Channel is on the list all the time - yes, even you, Alan Coombs, for being a fakey-fake-faker - but Bill's special. Even more special than Sean Hannity, that impish little gremlin whose shrill voice only seems to get worse as the years go along, as he loses more and more of what the general public considers 'sanity' and spirals deeper and deeper into the bottomless pit that is his broken, fractured
psyche.)
It's not just because his face is red and splotchy, either. (However, there's a great story from Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: a Fair and Balanced Look at the Right where Al Franken and Bill O'Reilly have a beautiful fight on C-SPAN during a booktour they were both participating in. Most of O'Reilly's rage seemed to come from the unflattering picture of him on the cover of the tome - which, to be fair, is really bad. But what did he expect from Franken? Of course, the court case concerning the image was 'laughed out of court', as Franken tells it. Priceless.)
It's because he's exactly what Franken calls him in the title of his book - a LYING LIARFACE LIAR. (And not just about small things, either. It's on an almost daily basis, about almost everything he says. There's even a brilliant website that's been put together called Sweet Jesus, I hate Bill O'Reilly, International that chronicles his inconsistencies and his blatant half-truths and outright lies. Brilliant reading, if you're bored some afternoon. Like today, since you're sitting around reading my tripe.)
I'm sick and tired of his 'War Against Christmas' nonsense and his fight to 'keep this a Christian nation' when it's never been. Secularism in government, as such, is not a bad thing. (But he sure tries to convince you as much. He whines and postulates and struts about, puffing out his voluminous chest and pretending like he cares about the 'Christianity' of this nation, when all that truly concerns him is his own paycheck - which is considerable. Did you hear that he's recently had his contract renewed for 10 million dollars a year? Gimme a break, people - no one, and I repeat no one is worth 10 million dollars a year for anything. I don't care if they can sing, dance, and prepare delicious salsa all at the same time - which Bill-O can't - they don't deserve such exorbitant amounts of money. But then, I'm just a pinko commie liberal - what do I know?)
Anyway, all I meant to say with this short article is that, while Bill O'Reilly is busy boycotting governments that are inclusive of other religions besides Christianity and bullying stores into selling his crappy ornaments, let's boycott his face - don't watch him, don't talk about him, and let's all pretend that he doesn't exist. He's long since passed any semblance of useful. (In fact, I don't think Bill-O was ever useful. He sucked when he was on the tabloid show, he sucks on Fox News Network, what whatever. And yes, if you take out all the asides in italics, this actually is quite a short article. Take a look! It's like six lines or something like that. Puny, puny, puny.)
But I digress. (A lot. I mean, look how many parenthetical statements I crammed in this little guy - I think it's a new record for digression length. If not, I'd like to find out what the record is - so next time I can smash it. Because, you know, Hulk Smash and all. Incidentally, I got that film for my birthday. I really thought they did a much better job than that Ang Lee nonsense . . .)