I know, I know, I know.  You're saying to yourself - What if Jesus what?  What if he wasn't the Son of God?  What if he didn't exist?

No, my friends.  It's something far more sinister.

What if Jesus had turned to the dark side of the force?

--

I'll just let that sink in for a minute there.

...

Okay?  Properly sunk in?

Here's what I think would've happened.  He would have become like Caesar's right-hand man, you know?  Like, all up in the government and all that, and instead of "Render to Caesar" it would've been "catch those fishes, check their mouths, and render unto me, babeh."

And then, he totally would've married Mary Magdalene, who would've totally brought to term two beautiful twins, one which would grow up to be the princess of Babylon and the other who'd live in a shack in Jerusalem, who'd work together and use their demigod powers to turn Dad back to the light side, before he threw Caesar down the reactor core to . . .

Oh wait.  That's been done already.

(This article brought to you by sleepiness and a gross dinner.)