Self-deprecation is worth its weight in smoldering phoenix-ashes and baby unicorn tears.
or; thoughts at one am
Published on February 21, 2007 By SanChonino In Misc
I woke up in a weird, cold sweat this morning a little after one AM. Feverishly, I grabbed a notebook and wrote down my thoughts as fast as I could, bringing clarity, thought, and serenity. It's not a poem; it's just kind of a free write filled with questions I have. So here's what came out in a cold sweat, one-fifteen AM, and a head full of nightmares.

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Adulthood.
How do we define it?
Where is the rite of passage,
The walk along the razor's edge,
The point of "know" return?
Where is the "night in the wilderness",
The spirit-vision propelling me forward?
Where is my communion with espíritu de águila,
Espíritu de serpiente,
Espíritu de Dios?

Am I a man?
When did I wrap myself in a sticky gauze,
Bursting forth into new life?
Or am I aching to pupate,
Withering in a larval state,
Begging for a burst of fresh air -
Wings exploding forth in a kaleidoscope of torrid flame?

When does a boy become a man?
His first smoke?
His first drink?
His first kiss?
His first lay?
His first vote?
His first vision?
His first child?

When do the numbers of a child's age transform into the wisdom of a man's age?

Where are my wings of torrid flame?

Why am I aching to pupate?

Comments
on Feb 21, 2007
It could be that this was influenced by Regina Spektor. I've been listening to that quirky Russian girl a lot lately, and one of her songs, Aching to Pupate has been quite the lil' inspiration.

Aching to pupate
Aching to pup-p-p-pate
[repeats 4x]
Pu-pupate, pu pate,
Pu-pate, pu-pupate, pu pa-ate...

I should peddle butterflies
There's a shortage in the city,
I'll stand on the street corner
All myserious and giddy,
When the passers by pass by
I will open up my trenchcoat,
They will see the butterflies
Dangling like fake rolexes...

Every morning I wake up
With a purpose and a smirk
I'll put on my fake moustache
I'll drink heineken eat cornflakes...

Then I'll call my mum and dad
Tell them that I'm doing fine,
Or I'll write a tipsy letter
To a real good friend of mine,
Or I'll jump upon the bed
Waltzing madly with the broomstick
But before I leave the house
I will paint my lips with lipstick...

But peddling is a dirty sport
There's competition in the city,
Everyone is on a street corner
All mysterious and giddy.
Some are selling bags and shoes,
Some are selling books and gold,
I've been standing here for days
Not one butterfly's been sold...

And how I'm
Aching to pupate
Aching to pup-p-p-pate
[repeats 4x]
Pu-pu-pate, pupate,
Pupate, pu-pu-pate, pu pa-ate.
on Feb 21, 2007
Nice job! I love the stuff that I write when I'm half-awake...when that insufferable committee in my head is still passed out. It obviously works for you.

Some of us guys wait 40 years or so to grow up. Your poem was beautiful. It says that we truly need some kind of rite of passage. An epiphany and a pentecost all wrapped up into one. Reminded me of "Iron John" by Robert Bly.
on Feb 21, 2007

Pretty cool.  I wish I had those kinds of thoughts at 1 am.  My only thoughts are 1) my pager is going off and this better be important, or 2) my pager isn't going offand I have 3 more hours of sleep!

I can sympathize.  Sometimes I feel much the same.

on Feb 21, 2007
It says that we truly need some kind of rite of passage.


I really think we do . . . I don't know what it should be, but almost every other culture has a "rite of passage". We, however, do not. Do we, then, never actually grow up?
on Feb 21, 2007
Very good, San Cho. You need to wake up in weird, cold sweats more often.

The point of "know" return?


Such a cool line.

It's not a poem; it's just kind of a free write filled with questions I have.


I have to disagree with ya. It's most definitely a poem. A beautifully written one. I wonder if it's because I'm a guy I like it so much.

on Feb 21, 2007
The point of "know" return?


Yeah, that's the name of one of Kansas' best albums . . . ah, the memories.
on Feb 21, 2007
We don't. We simply grow old.


I'm afraid that you're right, and that kinda pisses me off.
on Feb 21, 2007
I agree with Udigit, this IS a poem even if it wasn't what you intended it to be. It has a poignancy and melancholy I think we can all identify with.

Whip: "We don't. We simply grow old."

I'm afraid that you're right, and that kinda pisses me off.


I feel exactly opposite to you on this, mate. I find my inner child keeps my head young and my Muse strong. While I'm not sure about growing old, I don't EVER want to grow up.
on Feb 22, 2007
Wow, your thoughts are pretty awsome in a weird kind of way! Isn't it weird when inspiration hits you like that? I'm glad you wrote it down because you would have forgotten it all when you got up again!


on Feb 22, 2007
Hey, just learned a new Spanish word...águila es eagle.

Very nice. I sometimes have profound thoughts like these...but seldom do I have the energy to whip out a notebook and write them down...maybe I should, but with the dark and lack of glasses when I'm sleeping...I hardly think it would be legible.

Again, a very good piece of work...I do think it could qualify as a poem. I also like the whole metamorphosis aspect, afterall, zoology is my thing.

~Zoo
on Feb 22, 2007
maybe I should, but with the dark and lack of glasses when I'm sleeping...I hardly think it would be legible.




Mine was anything but legible . . . I wrote it in the dark, with my lights off and just the light of the open blinds . . . no glasses. It's a miracle I could decipher what it said . . .
on Feb 23, 2007
In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities. In the expert's, there are few...

Adulthood sucks on so many levels, SC. But you're middle-of-the-night visit from your Muse certainly does not.

(Great stuff, Maynard!   )