or; thoughts on an Unamuno
I've been reading an awful lot by my favorite author, Miguel de Unamuno, lately. (Long story as to why – maybe I'll blog about it, but if anyone's interested in hearing about it before then drop me an e-mail.) But as I've been digesting his works, I've been coming to understand the man all the more. He was one of the first existentialists – but his heart and soul were, as for most Spaniards, catholic. So while he had trouble believing in God for his whole life, he always tried to reconcile his disbelief with his desire to believe. I think he himself summed it up best in a poem called “La oración del ateo” (The atheist's prayer) – this is my bad almost midnight translation, but I hope I can get the gist of it.
“Hear my prayer, Oh non-existent God, and gather my doubts in your nothingness, you who never leaves us poor humans without your hidden comforts. You never resist our prayers and you always see our yearning. When you are far from me, I remember all the more the words of my love as she would sweeten my sad nights. How great you are, my God! You are so great that you are only Idea; reality is very wide to try and fit your nothingness. I suffer at your cost, non-existent God, but if you existed than I would also truly exist.”
His yearning to find out if God was really there or not for some reason pull on my heartstrings a bit. And this is a constant theme throughout his works – I'm currently reading a book of his essays, called “Mi Religión y otros ensayos breves” (My Religion and other short essays), and this sense of melancholy also pervades this work. It's amazing, it's thoughtful, and it's sad and funny all at once.
If any of you are looking for a good read this summer, something that can be light and fun but also heavy and pensive, pick up a copy of the book “Niebla” (Mist). I've found some pretty decent English translations, and it's an amazing read.
I'm grateful for my faith in God, and my surety of my own existence (at least I'm not scared I'm in some Matrix rip-off), but I still can identify with Unamuno's writings. He's one of the world's most under-appreciated writers.