Self-deprecation is worth its weight in smoldering phoenix-ashes and baby unicorn tears.
Published on June 2, 2008 By SanChonino In Humor

Hey!  More Spain stories, this time of rich, thick and delicious retribution.

Yummy.

--

16 May 2008.  1:01pm.

Even though I get bloody sick and tired of Pervy McPervington, I've had a very successful week smashing some of the fanciful lies he has told me into shining little pieces.  Maybe it's cruel of me, but I just enjoy that reddening in his face when I call his bluff.

Now, granted, usually these are little things.  Like early last week when he proclaimed that "Bolivia is the only country in the world with more than one capital" (it's got two - Sucre and La Paz).  Now, normally I wouldn't even care, but sometimes I can be a rotten jerk.  Knowing that he considers himself quite the geography buff (he himself claims to know all the countries and capitals of the world), I made sure he thought he was right by repeating himself three times.

With, I'm sure, a smarmy, smug grin, I asked, "What about South Africa, man?"

He looked at me, dumbfounded.  "What about it?"

"Name me the capitals of South Africa," I continued.

His face was priceless as he conjectured, "Isn't it Johannesburg?"

I smiled even deeper.  "Sure?"

"Yeah, it's totally Johannesburg."

I opened up Wikipedia to the South Africa page, and turned the screen to face him, declaring, "Not only were you wrong about Bolivia being the only one - South Africa has three capitals - Johannesburg isn't even one of them, turdilingus.  Looks like someone better study geography more, woman."

He tried to rationalize that they're not really capitals, but I kept pointing to the Wikipedia page.

Truly satisfying.

But this last week I've caught him in two biggies - not just little things like being certain of wrong things.

For example:  I would never call myself a virtuoso guitar player.  I'm afraid it would even be a stretch to call me a good guitarist - I prefer the adjective 'adequate' to describe my skills with an axe.  But Perv has lauded his own abilities as if he was the next frickin' Eddie Van Halen.  I'm not kidding.  And while I figured this was hyperbole, I was always curious to see how good he really was.

Cut to Monday.  My friend Javier had another friend visiting the dorm, one equipped with a porta-amp and electric guitar.  Ah, Providence.  She loves me still, and shines her beautiful face down on me from time to time.

After a good deal of coaxing and convincing, the two followed me to my room, where Pervy was perving out on something.  I handed him the guitar, and his eyes were the size of dinner plates.  I began, "Okay, you said you mastered the guitar solo in 'The Extremist'.  I want to hear you play it."

His jaw dropped.

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence (compounded by the presence of Javier and friend), he replied, "Well, I'm rusty; I won't be able to."

I nodded.  "Okay.  Play something else."

He stammered for a bit, again using the 'rusty' excuse.  I pushed and prodded, and he refused; following about three minutes of rich awkwardness, the others left (Pervy having not played a thing) and I smirked.

Ah, rotten victory.

Cut to this morning.

My friend Lena needed to borrow a book from me.  Lena is from Germany (and is smoking hot, but that is neither here nor there).  Now, Pervy has claimed on numerous occasions to be either 'functional' or 'nearly fluent' in German.

As Lena and I walked to my dorm, I explained my plan to her, and she was more than willing to play along.

I opened the door, and there Pervy was, perving as usual.  Lena struck up a conversation with him as I pulled out the book (my brand-new hardcover sexilicious copy of La Celestina - she'd better give this back or she's toast).

She said to him, "Braeden says you know German?"  He nodded, and Lena replied, "Blah-blah-blah German is ugly and I have no idea what she said, although when a hot girl is speaking it German is slightly less ugly but only slightly."

Again, Pervy-jaw on the floor.  He knows about as much German as I do - which is none.  Lena tried to talk to him for like five minutes, and he never said a word.  Myth busted!

Yes, I'm a jerk.  But at least I'm not self-aggrandizing.

I'm an honest jerk.


Comments
on Jun 02, 2008


It behooves you to watch this video. It's one of the coolest things I've ever seen.
on Jun 02, 2008

You know what, sometimes you have to be a jerk to take the real jerks down.  Maybe Pervy will think before he opens his mouth in the future.  If it means he becomes a better person because of this, you've done the world a service.

As for guitar, well I'm faster than Ralph Macchio when he was playing his solo in 'Crossroads', I've got more technique than the dude who pretends to be Eddie Kruger in 'The Doors' movie and more style than Freddy Mercury, if he played guitar

Unfortunely I can't see the video at work.  I'll have to have a look when I get home.

on Jun 03, 2008
As for guitar, well I'm faster than Ralph Macchio when he was playing his solo in 'Crossroads', I've got more technique than the dude who pretends to be Eddie Kruger in 'The Doors' movie and more style than Freddy Mercury, if he played guitar




Definitely check out the video, Maso. It's awesome-eriffic!



PS I changed my blog name. First person to get where the new title comes from gets . . . oh, I don't know . . . a buttload of Karma.
on Jun 03, 2008

An LFG fan, huh?  Poor Richard.  So misunderstood. 

Have you seen the music video for Slaughter the World?

on Jun 03, 2008
You are HORRIBLE and I LOVE YOU!!!!!

That is the single best thing I have heard all week. And something that I would NEVER have the guts to do. Right on.

As for that video...trippy, man. It was like a cartoon on acid.

After what you told me earlier about his racism, well, you're a better person than I am. I would simply start beating on him.

@$$hole. (him, not you. You, I love.)
on Jun 03, 2008

  Maybe it's cruel of me

Yes, I'm a jerk.

You weren't cruel or a jerk. I have a rule that if it's funny it cancels everything else out and that shit was funny.

BTW ... The video is the coolest.

BTW again ... Isn't there more countries with more than one capital? For some reason I keep thinking the Philippines and Netherland.

BTW one last time ... Tell me more .. I mean us .. about Lena. (Hope Rose isn't reading this )

on Jun 03, 2008

As for guitar, well I'm faster than Ralph Macchio when he was playing his solo in 'Crossroads', I've got more technique than the dude who pretends to be Eddie Kruger in 'The Doors' movie and more style than Freddy Mercury, if he played guitar  

It's Robbie though, isn't it?

on Jun 03, 2008
Poor Richard. So misunderstood.


Amen. For MSN (and MySpace, and Twitter, and other sites as well) I have the Che Dick picture as my avatar. Because Zoomba's already got a Richard avatar on the SD sites, I'll stick with pirate Che for now.

I would simply start beating on him.


That's because you're violent. We're going to get you institutionalized.



This song was one of my all-time favorites when I was a kid. Especially the lounge version.

Gonna have to see if I can find a video for the lounge version - it's priceless.
on Jun 03, 2008
I have a rule that if it's funny it cancels everything else out and that shit was funny.


That is a great rule. I'm going to adopt it.

BTW one last time ... Tell me more .. I mean us .. about Lena.


Perhaps I will. She's like my copy of La Celestina. Thankfully, she brought it back.

Wow. It's almost as if that lounge version of 'Institutionalized' doesn't exist, but I know it does, because they play it on X96 quite often.

If I was at home, I would call and find out where it came from.
on Jun 03, 2008

Wow. It's almost as if that lounge version of 'Institutionalized' doesn't exist, but I know it does, because they play it on X96 quite often.

I was trying to find it, too. It's not even on their MySpace. I know Amazon has a 30-second sampler of the song but that's about it.

on Jun 03, 2008

Chris,

It's Robbie though, isn't it?

D'oh, yes it is (my excuse is I'm less a Doors fan and more a Nightmare On Elm Street fan - Robbie Krieger/Eddie Kruger - therein lies my confusion).

If I'd thought about it, I would have realised it was from LFG.  But a butt load of your karma doesn't really have a great deal of appeal

on Jun 04, 2008
Lena is from Germany (and is smoking hot, but that is neither here nor there).


"Smoking hot" is always here and there.


Now, Pervy has claimed on numerous occasions to be either 'functional' or 'nearly fluent' in German.


I cannot get that language. *SHIVER* I don't roam far from the Romance Lingos, though I did take a stab at Japanese. (About all I remember is not to refer to myself with the -san suffix. But since I'm not into Japanese women anymore, I don't have much use for it now anyway.* )




(* There's another one of those things I say just knowing it will someday pop up to bite me on the hinder parts!)
on Jun 04, 2008
Now I know what I do, as a roommate, that drives pervy crazy - I TAP MY FEET WHEN I LISTEN TO MUSIC. Sinner, I am!


What would happen if the next time he started listening to Rick Astley you got up and started jazz dancing like a maniac?



on Jun 04, 2008
What would happen if the next time he started listening to Rick Astley you got up and started jazz dancing like a maniac?


SanChonino remembers to set up the webcam before doing that to document it for teh intarwebz . . .
on Jun 04, 2008

LOL!  What a great lesson!  I know you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed reading about it!lol!  He deserved each of those slap downs...the bugger!

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