Self-deprecation is worth its weight in smoldering phoenix-ashes and baby unicorn tears.
or; more Spain, more Spain.
Published on March 12, 2008 By SanChonino In Religion

More crap from you-know-where.  You probably don't care anymore.

Oh well.  Whatever.

--

11 Mar 2008.  3:42 pm.

Sitting in the basement, watching the clothes spin in the dryer.

There are other things I could and should be doing, rather than being trapped by the jumble of my own clothes.  Their motion seems to be the only thing that can hold my attention.  My Elliott homework isn't going to get done today.  Neither is the critical analysis of Valle-Inclán.

I'm watching the clothes dry.

In the midst of the sea of thick, blue levis, brown and black shirts, overflowing with fugitive socks that escaped the batch of whites, I see a quick flash of red.

Hillary loved that shirt of mine.

And my focusing on the spinning laundry, I had done such a good job of pushing her (mostly) out of my mind.

Crap.

10:41 pm.

-What did you think of the laser show?

-The what?

-The laser show we just saw . . . it was like an hour long.

-I thought we were at a clam bake.

-What?  How could you possibly think that?

-I thought it was just a really cool clam bake.

-...

-So what's the hold-up with the clams?

Thanks, Elliott.  And not you, T. S., you annoying twat.

12 Mar 2008.  12:12 am.

My roommate is watching Dumb and Dumber at full volume and laughing at full tilt.  It's not enough that I never cared for that movie really, but come on.  He sounds like a braying jackass.

Now, in 'days long past', I had somewhere to go when he drove me crazy like this.  Nowhere to hide now.

I take the wallet out of my pants pocket, grab my keys and mp3 player and walk out the door.  He says something, probably asking where I'm going.  I just walk out and lock the door dumbly behind me.  I don't feel any compunction to explain my behavior to Pervy McPaedophile.

The city has an entirely different ambience at midnight.  The streets are mostly dark, except for a few lonely lights (deadlights) poking out of the thick fog, showing the bar patrons out into the cold mist.

It's chilly, and there is no-one to press up against me, sharing heat.

The mist can relate, it says.  It knows what it's like to be cold and alone.

We make a secret pact, we create a blood brotherhood.

The fog and I are one.

2:17 pm.

I stand, for the first time, on the beach of the Mediterranean.  I've looked down on it from the Roman walls, I've looked down from La Rambla, onto the deserted shoreline, but this time I'm here.

The ragamuffin flock of pigeons is my only company as the swift wind buffets them, forcing them into ridiculous midair acrobatics.

The smell of fish is almost oppressive as I stare into the vast, blue deep.  the music blaring in my headphones breaks, leaving me (and the pigeons) in silence.

The tide is washing in.  Impulsively, I kick off my trusty sandals (ten years worth of mileage on these babies), pull the contents out of my pockets, dump them into the shoes, and slowly begin to walk down into the water.

Sand sticks to my feet until a wave crashes up and washes over them, and I'm stupidly surprised by how cold the water is, until I realize it's March - but at this point I don't care.  I continue to enter, step by plodding step.

(I remember that this is how it all 'went down' for Virginia Woolf, except it was a river and pockets full of rocks.  Morbid.)

The water is up to my knees, kissing the edge of my shorts as I move further forward.  I'm in regular clothes, the last thing I should be wearing, but something prods me forward into the chilly Mediterranean, as the water reaches my waist.

I continue, my arms, my torso, up to my neck.  I take a deep breath, lean forward, and push out into the salt, deeper, farther out to sea, fighting against the current forcing me back towards shore.

It's as though a weight is lifted from my shoulders as I swim further into the sea, trying to wash my emotions away.  I swim until I'm exhausted, and let the tide take me back to the beach.  Before I reach shore, I dive under again, rising from the ocean like Godzilla on the coast of Japan, reborn, beautiful, terrible.

It's my Spanish baptism, my renaissance.

I hose off, put my sandals back on, and walk home, soaking wet.

I feel like I can put Hillary behind me now.


Comments
on Mar 12, 2008

Breeze still carries the sound
Maybe I'll disappear
Tracks will fade in the snow
You won't find me here

Ice is starting to form
Ending what had begun
I am locked in my head
With what I've done
I know you tried to rescue me
Didn't let anyone get in
Left with a trace of all that was
And all that could have been

Please
Take this
And run far away
Far away from me
I am
Tainted
The two of us
Were never meant to be
All these
Pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my
Nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me
Gone fading everything
And all that could have been

Please
Take this
And run far away
Far as you can see
I am
Tainted
And happiness and peace of mind
Were never meant for me
All these
Pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my
Nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me

Nine Inch Nails, "And All That Could Have Been"

on Mar 12, 2008

 I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.

[Chorus:]
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Come on tell me

[Chorus]

In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading f****** reminder of who I used to be.

Come on tell me

[Chorus]

I just want something I can never have

Nine Inch Nails, "Something I Can Never Have"

on Mar 12, 2008

Can't say I don't know the feeling...

Hope you feel better soon, SanCho.

~Zoo

on Mar 12, 2008
on Mar 12, 2008

More brilliant writing bro.  Glad you feel you can put Hillary behind you.  Carry on.

on Mar 12, 2008

Yes, as your brother said, more brilliance from a lonely man in Spain.  But at least you're in Spain. 

I've never seen 'Dumb and Dumber'.  The name alone was enough to have me avoid it.  Sorry your room mate is stil being a pain in the ass, mate.

on Mar 13, 2008
on Mar 13, 2008

Beautifully written, bro.  My laundry blog isn't nearly as cool.  Sorry about the roommate, I'll kill him for you if you want. 

 

Yeah, I know how you feel.  Still working on getting over my most recent...you know.

 

Love you, feel better in Spain.  If you need someone to talk to, I'm almost always online, as you know.  

on Mar 13, 2008
I'll kill him for you if you want.


Mormons: agents of death.

~Zoo
on Mar 13, 2008
Mormons: agents of death.


They start teaching you martial arts in the nursery at 18 months, man. You've missed out.

I've honed my skills to such a degree I can kill a yak at 200 yards with mind bullets.
on Mar 13, 2008
I've honed my skills to such a degree I can kill a yak at 200 yards with mind bullets.


Oh snap! That's awesome!

  

~Zoo
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